The only way to find this page is either through my Instagram or Reddit...

 

I made a HIDDEN LINK so that the ONLY way to get here is if you know about it. This page is literally an "If You Know, You Know" type of thing. It's not like when Jennifer Lopez was talking about orange juice and she had us all in the Bronx confused. LOL.

 

But anyways, I struggled with two options:

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1. Do I finish the book before the show comes out?

2. Do I wait for the reactions and include things people would want to know?

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I'm glad that I chose to wait because I hate rewriting anything. It feels like disturbing a baby's sleep. Like, why would you do that?! Anyways, 

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Knowing how much misinterpretation has happened with Alexes and his dissociation, I am so happy that I have the opportunity to make sure that I do it justice. Being on the show was about sharing our truths and with so many people misinterpreting, this book is a DEEP, DEEP dive into the stories that you heard about. It's an intense illustration that I could never say out loud because it hurts still to this day. Understanding can never erase pain. It has cradled me at times. Understanding has comforted me. But this is not a book to make me a victim or passify him. It's about the truth and reality that we experience as survivors.

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Do you want to know something? During some of his dissociations, he begged me so many times to break up with him because he was afraid that he would not heal fast enough. There were days when he cried, begging me to leave him because he was too broken and was scared of hurting me. 

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But those were the nights that I had tears in my eyes and I'd yell at him. "It's not fair that I have to lose the love of my life because you were raped as a child! You're just angry and heightened. It's not your fault but it's not mine either. Why do I have to lose you?! Why do you have to do this?"

 

But I didn't know back then that I wasn't talking to him. I was talking to his dissociation. I would argue and beg. I would fight back and try to articulate to the best of my ability but it never worked. All I was doing was making it worse.

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I'm tearing up writing this because it happened so many times - it felt like a script.
 

"He just has to heal, that's all." I was naive. I was in love. He was also the person who I was depending on to shield me from healing my trauma. Alexes saw all my gifts and would sing my praises to anyone he could. He's the type that randomly cooks breakfast in bed. When we first started dating, he watched every show I said I was watching. If I said I liked something, we'd have a trip or date that showed me how much he paid attention. I grew up feeling the need to hide myself and with him, I felt so seen and loved. He was proud to have me. 

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But randomly, we'd face a trial in life. Something would happen that destabilized us and threatened our livelihood. First that destabilization, then a trigger would come. A dissociation would follow. And for the next 4 hours, I would lose the man I fell in love with and would be confronted by a manifestation, a protector created by a 7-year-old victim named Alexes.  This wasn't every night. We would live this amazing life for months and boom, something happened.

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I made a choice to be a partner. I have told Alexes, as long as he is working on himself, I will be by his side. In any capacity, friend, partner, lover - I will always have space and time for him. What I have learned over the past 7 years are tools that I need to share with anyone else who needs to know. Google could not help me. My friends and family could not help me. It took intense therapy on my end, years of therapy and then him switching therapists, and us going on national television for us to realize what was needed all along. Another fun fact, it was Alexes idea to seek therapy. I found a submission form while researching free couples therapy but getting on the show was not on our radar at all.

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This book is not a guide on how to stay with someone. If you feel the need to leave someone, then you get the fuck out immediately. You don't ever need permission to seek peace and safety.

 

Now, if you are in a situation where you need closure or healing, I invite you to heal with me. If you are in situations that I have illustrated, please cry with me, and find your strength along with me. I promise you will also laugh and smile while you read this because as I am sure you know, there are so many wonderful and happy moments.  Also, there are so many jokes that I say in my head that I never said out loud... finally, I can share them. 

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I pray that this book is simply a tool.  How to Survive a Survivor will contain facts that I have researched and data that I will source. I will let you know when I'm theorizing and when I've found solid information. I will not mislead anyone down any path at all.

 

I will also be including my experiences with ADHD, Depression, and my own form of dissociation. Here is an exclusive that is only on this page:

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During therapy, Orna said, "You're both good dissociators." What did not make the show was the conversation that continued during another session where she brought it up again. I pushed back a bit because Alexes was the only "dissociation" I knew and I wasn't "doing that". The conversation continued with her saying something along the lines of "things are happening and you can't remember them." I brought that information back to my therapist and we just let it sit. We didn't focus on it so much because I had much bigger issues than me not remembering things. There was the shit I did remember that I was trying to work on. LOL

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But one day I was explaining a chapter in my book to my therapist. I used an analogy. It was an analogy that I used several times before with my students. I have also said it to her before. For some reason this time, something rang for my therapist. I'll explain more in the book but added to my list of "issues," I am managing my own form of dissociation, which is called depersonalization. Something that developed during my own traumatic past that has a very unique way of showing up through music.

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If you like to read, then this is for you. This is a taste of my writing style. My communication comes in the form of assuming that we are friends and you are reading this because you genuinely care. Thank you for finding this page and caring enough to be a part of my journey. (Here I go wanting to cry) Someone on Reddit guessed I was a cancer... so rude... but she was right. LOL.

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So, thank you for letting my voice be heard. Thank you for wanting to know even more about me. Thank you for this opportunity to expand the conversation beyond just the show. My goal in this was to be a voice in the realm of mental health. I don't bring a professional opinion as a health professional. I bring professional opinions as a college graduate. I bring personal opinions as a survivor and lover of a survivor. I bring experience as an educator, practicing both pedagogy and andragogy over the past 16 years.

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My name is Casimar and I am excited to share my first book with you, How to Survive a Survivor.